Night Markets

What do you get when you mix two parts carnival, one part flea market and sprinkle in a handful of Asian flair? (No, not a new Pokemon series.) You get a Taipei night market; perhaps one of the most exciting activities for a foreigner experiencing Taiwanese culture for the first time. The mix of sights, sounds and smells is overwhelming, and completely different than anything experienced in the States. Store after store, food cart after food cart, your senses are smacked with so much of Asia you’ll swear there’s a ninja in your head.
Where do I start? There are so many night markets, each with their own feel and flair. Shilin is the largest and perhaps the most popular. Raohe has a quaint feel and a definite lean toward clothing and fashion. Banqiao seems to stretch on forever and has a little bit of everything, including a great diversity of edible options. Most interesting (and disturbing) is Huaxi. Known as the “tourist” night market and by many as “snake alley”, it has snake blood, turtle heads and all the Taiwanese trinkets you could ever want. (Family at home take note, these trinkets make amazing Christmas presents!) Considering the many night markets and the vast amount of literary substance they contain, I will attempt to summarize each market and share some of the “highlights” from our visits.
Being more than a little OCD, this blog will follow the order of my night market visits, which means I am required to begin with Raohe. From the moment I stepped off the plane onto this island, I had been like a kid with money to spend. I had to go to a night market as soon as possible. I had done my research online and read about night markets and watched videos about night markets and everyone had a night market and I needed to buy a night market. Okay, I got a little carried away with my analogy as usual, but the point is, I was dying to go to a night market! One of our newfound local friends volunteered to escort us and immerse us into the night market culture. Being wholeheartedly Baptist, I went for total immersion; none of that half-hearted, Methodists sprinkling for me. I tried chicken feet and duck tongue and some unidentified seafood blob. I did the cattle herd shuffle with ten thousand Asians. I looked at cheap knock-offs of major brands and t-shirts poorly translated into English. I drank one of eighteen types of tea and haggled price on a backpack. As they say “When in Rome…” (Which really doesn’t apply, I guess, since I would have refused to fight to the death in a loincloth, had that been offered.) But I did my best to be as “Taiwanish” as possible. This was just the beginning of a small addiction.
Having decided to visit a different night market every weekend, next on the list was Shilin. Feeling bold after my first experience I figured why not go for the biggest, baddest night market of all? And why not tackle it without a guide or anyone fluent in Chinese? We grabbed Scott and Jennifer (our addict friends we picked up at night market AA) and headed out to tackle the beast. All of the descriptions were accurate; this truly was the king of night markets. The first section we found was the snack section which gives a very poor mental image considering you can find entire meals in all kinds of shapes, sizes and smells. Nestled in between the booths peddling Taiwanese hot dogs and stinky tofu you can find a few novelty shops selling different items. Let me take a moment here to explain stinky tofu. It is exactly like normal tofu except it’s stinky. (Rocket science, I know.) Shilin is the only place I have found that plays it smart and sells stinky tofu right beside the bathrooms so that you are always left guessing about the aroma. I’m told very reassuringly that it does not taste like it smells but I’m waiting until a future date to enlighten myself. Back to the shops; we found a quaint used book stand where I bought a bilingual copy of “Green Eggs and Ham” after which we moved on to find the heart of Shilin. After a little wandering we found the main streets of Shilin and the ten million people that were currently inhabiting them. Seriously, for the next two hours we walked like penguins with hemorrhoids. Coming at perhaps the busiest time of the week, we found it difficult to enter a store without crowd surfing. We enjoyed the shops as much as possible and made our way through the crowd until we could take no more. Following our internal compass we wandered back to refresh ourselves with huge corndogs and chips on a stick, and enjoyed watching the man in line with his seven foot albino python. The rest of Shilin would have to be explored on a night when less than eight percent of the country’s population was there.
If you think tofu that smells like recycled meatloaf is gross then you should most likely avoid going to the night market at Huaxi. Snake Alley derives it’s name from the eccentric old men who play with cobras and then peddle the snake’s innards. The true man can prove his worth with a simple three shot combo. The first shot consists of water and snake blood from the writhing, twitching cobra that has been hung, slit and bled alive. The second is cave man Viagra, a mix of water and certain parts of the serpent’s manhood. The third, by my observations and assumptions, is a small shot of extremely hard liquor. Not sure why anyone would want that after the previous two…This whole process is healthy and extremely safe; just ask the seven fingered man with the cobra. If this isn’t your cup of tea just slide next door to visit the snake man’s brother for some turtle and alligator. The showmanship is lacking but they do however, rip the turtle’s head off and leave it squirming in a pan. Not wanting to sicken anyone or give Huaxi a bad name, I’ll move on to the finer points like porno and prostitution. It was here that we met our first Asian hookers. Actually, Scott met them when he wandered too far without his wife. They are very persistent until the cops show up and send them scattering into the shadows. Apparently this section of town was formally the seedy, red light district. The hookers and porn stores right next to the kiddy arcades seem to back up this history lesson. All of this aside, Huaxi is very entertaining and diverse with a huge array of souvenirs and traditional Taiwanese trinkets. The other main attraction is the twenty-four dollar full-body massages. Which, after typing, will put this at the top of my mother’s places to visit list. Don’t worry, mom; there’s a discount on the snake blood if you buy a massage.
Next on our list was the Banqio market. A little more remote and a lot less exciting, Banqio was fun but nothing groundbreaking. There were still plenty of cool shops and lots of questionable, edible items. The greatest part of Banqio was the crowd. Having experienced the prom king night markets, this was Napoleon Dynamite. No where near as popular but still plenty strange, and cool enough to pull of some awesome moves in the end. Unfortunately I didn’t find any chapstick though, cause my lips hurt real bad. After describing the larger night markets, there is little new ground to cover other than the puppy store. This may not seem like a big deal, but you’re not married to Julia. The sight of any canine (even a three-legged, one-eyed, mangy, flea extravaganza) elicits a squeaky, quickly mournful “Puppy!” from my significant other. The next ten minutes revolve around her deepest desires to join the ranks of mutt ownership, and her perfect future adoption plans. Those of you at home, heed my warning. Anyone encouraging this cute, puppy obsessed craziness will be the lucky recipient of a cute puppy bag of flaming poo. Guard your words or you’ll need to guard your porch.
Last, but far from least is the Shida night market. Shilin having claimed the title of King, Shida most definitely comes in second as the Queen. For those of you from England it’s a Queen/Prime Minister thing without the silly accents and Austin Powers. Although we have enough clouds and rain to make you long for London. Not that I’ve ever been to London personally, but it doesn’t matter since Hollywood has given me a clear picture of the English. (See Austin Powers reference above.) Anyway, back to the bloody night market. Shida is located near a local college so the flair is definitely more youth driven. (Listen to me, dropping the word “youth” as if it doesn’t apply to me anymore. I’m getting way too old.) The greatest part of Shida is the food. They have the best Malaysian Curry stand in the world, followed by a fried mushroom stand and a great little drink shop. There are a million other amazing options but my stomach stopped there. Many of the shops are trendy and offer a little more of what you’d expect to find in the States. Once again the crowd was stupendous and with all the “youth” around it was like being in a mall in the middle of a concert mosh pit. By now, we’re just used to this feeling and embrace it as part of the culture, though I’m still not a fan of a knee in my butt and my face in an armpit.
In conclusion of this insanely long blog about insanely unimportant things, I’ve slowly been able to handle my addiction and curb my cravings. Visiting so many markets along with the patches and Nimarkorette gum, I’ve found a healthy control. The unimaginative would say that once you’ve seen one night market, you’ve seen them all. I beg to differ. While the atmosphere and offerings start to seem very familiar, each market has its own flavor and flair. Each one features something more prominently or has the better prices on certain merchandise. For the short term visitor however, stick to the royal family. Visit the King, Queen, and that crazy Joker known as Huaxi. If you’re English, I’m done translating, go read a history book.

A Pinch of Humor

“Good things come to those who wait.” A great motto to live by when considering how long it’s been since I wrote a blog, or the next four years in America. In light of the recent events, I offer you humorous and slightly entertaining prose to ease your troubled mind. (Fans take heart, there is a long blog coming as soon as I finish editing.) After my long absence I’d like to wander from the beaten path of blogging and offer you some classic moments from my wonderful students. Hopefully you will find these tidbits as amusing and smile-inspiring as I did.

Between one rain storm and the next we drag the children out into the sunshine and sweltering heat to enjoy vigorous activity in the local park. They participate in a wide variety of activities including kickball, dodgeball, basketball, chasing bugs and running laps for being naughty. Second and third grade enjoy a game called capture the ball and were playing a round one sunny Taiwanese afternoon. However, Chung-Wei, our second grade space cadet, was once again intent on being the first Taiwanese child on the moon. As the children we engrossed in an epic battle, Chung-Wei was frantically hopping like a frog. No matter what game, as nineteen other kids are intent on scoring a point, it is a common occurrence for Chung-Wei to come cart wheeling by like a tumbleweed. As the crazy frog inched ever closer to me, I asked exactly what he was doing. A strange little smirk and chuckle was my only reply. A few moments later I felt something on the back of my leg and found that I was being stalked by the frog. When I felt another nudge I looked down and found Chung-Wei sniffing the back of my calf. I told him he was weird and received another strange smirk and chuckle. Upon the third sniff I played along with the madness and asked, “Does it smell like chicken?” “Nope,” he replied, “Smells like computer!” And with that Chung-Wei the smir-chuckling frog hopped into the distance.

When I am not enjoying P.E. in the park I teach a few Bible classes. One of my sections is a small group of five who either don’t learn as well in big groups or who have a very small English vocabulary. Last week we had finished our lesson and were taking prayer request. After the usual requests for amazing grades without studying, I received perhaps the strangest request in my career of working with youth. As I was about to pray, Danny blurts out, “Mr. Harris, pray for the ants in Cindy’s book bag!” Not sure how to pray, (Healing? Pregnancy? Loss of loved one? Death of the Queen?) I needed more information.
“Cindy, you have ants in your book bag?”
“What is a book bag?”
“Your backpack.”
“Oh! Yes, so many ants. Live in my dictionary.”
“They live in your dictionary?”
“Yes! I open and say, ‘Out! Out!’ and they leave, but next day, they are return.”
Baffled, but needing to finish class, I prayed an exorcism on the ants and we dismissed for lunch. I later discovered that Cindy’s dictionary is her portable electronic translator and when she opens the cover there are ants hiding inside. She denies leaving remnants of anything edible inside so apparently the ants are just city slickers who got sick of dirt.

If your one job in life was to translate a language onto t-shirts that hundreds of people would wear, wouldn’t you triple check your translation? Personally I would like to make sure my shirts said “I Love Pizza” and not “I Enjoy Rusty Eggs”. Unfortunately, t-shirt creators here in Taiwan have poor translation skills and just plain weird mottos. Although they are not entirely from my student’s shirts, the following are some of the more humorous body billboards I have experienced.

“Would you rather be amuck?”
“Blue Japan, the standard for spicy girls.”
“Sheepo. What a boring. Where is the exciting?”
“Kill the eyesores and blinking drivers.”
“Banana Chippy. A jolly monkey.”
“Big Black Pull”
“Happy Soup”
“New York I love you but you’re bringing me down.”

These are a handful of the ones I can remember at the moment. In the few months I have been here, countless chuckles have been stifled while navigating the city. Everywhere you turn there’s a shirt just waiting to make you laugh. Hopefully these few stories made you stifle a chuckle or two as well. I’m sure there will be many more blogs about the random humor of this great country! Remember, let the smir-chuckling frog eat those ants in your dictionary, unless you'd rather be amuck...