They lurk in the shadows of every city; waiting to spring out unexpectedly and scare the surrounding population. They frequent secluded corners and public parks, and scurry through the mass transit systems. As soon as you let down your guard, just when you think it is safe to relax, in an instant they appear and rattle your normalcy. They are The Crazies, those scant few who are so far out in left field they’re standing by first base. You know the ones I’m talking about. The guy skipping down the sidewalk in cut-offs and a tube top, spreading the joy of the rainbow with his fairy wand. The lady arguing with her coffee and ordering pie for herself and President Lincoln. The seventy-five year old who doesn’t shave her armpits, bathes in goat’s milk and wants to tell your fortune with a deck of cards. They are loony, off-center, tipping the scales toward freak-ville, and we’ve all met them somewhere, somehow. News flash! Taipei, like other big cities, still has Crazies. The following is a tale of our first encounter with their kind.
It was a normal, peaceful Sunday morning. We met up with our fellow teachers, Matt and Melanie, and started the long subway trek to church. We enjoyed a quiet MRT ride all the way to Taipei Main Station, the hub of the subway lines. Switching to the green line, we headed towards Gonguan, where church awaited. As we started moving, Matt’s new travel partner greeted him in Chinese. Let me take a quick moment to explain that this is not the behavior of Crazies. Many normal Taiwanese people say hello and even like to practice their English with you. (Unlike the subway in New York where riders only practice four-letter English words with strangers.) Being a stellar example of American friendliness, Matt began talking to Mr. MRT. (As I have so skillfully labeled him.) All was well until a whole sentence in Chinese appeared. Matt explained he did not speak Chinese, so Mr. MRT decided to translate his sentence for Matt. As a matter of fact, he became his own speaker/translator for the next ten minutes, teaching Matt everything from “What time is it?”, to “Do my socks smell funny?” For those of us standing by, our desire to save Matt was trumped by our non-interrupting manners. Truthfully, it was just too darn funny to stop. (However, the first explanation does provide a quick glimmer of parental pride in our upbringing.) The conversation continued to get better with Mr. MRT explaining that Matt was tall, broad, and fat. Full membership in the family of Crazies was almost reached by the accompanying hand motions that looked like Sunday school children singing Deep and Wide. Completely crossing the line was the final Buddha belly rub, at which point Matt exclaimed, “Whoa buddy, that’s a little too far!” He then explained how in America it is very difficult to make friends by emphasizing certain aspects of their person. Matt then responded with his own hand motions as his finger circled his ear and he asked, “Are you crazy?” “Yes!” Mr. MRT said, laughing and nodding his head. “Yes, crazy!”
Congratulations, Mr. MRT! You are now an official member of The United Order of Crazies. I dub thee, Mr. Madman Roaming Taipei, and present you with this ticket to visit Michael Jackson, one of your American relatives.
Note: No Crazies or oversized teachers were harmed in the writing of this story.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Travel
Not to keep picking on the little guy known as “Travel”, but the first thing I did after travelling to Taiwan was travel; so it is only fitting that I continue in that theme. From this point forward, please fasten your seatbelt.
First, let me give the all inclusive list of travel options in Taiwan. Walking. That is pretty much it. We walk everywhere. The locals feel safe driving; I however, would rather rip out my spleen and deep fry it. (I’m not exactly sure what my spleen is, but deep fried I’m sure it would taste like half of the dining options here in Taiwan.) If you consider those who do drive, winning the top spot by a landslide is the scooter, followed by cars (half of them taxis) then buses and beyond that is mass public transit by subway and train.
Apparently those driving in Taiwan fancy themselves as pirates, or just love that speech by Captain Barbosa in Pirates of the Caribbean. Like the Pirate’s Code, the “Traffic Code” is more of what you call “guidelines” than actual rules. They do have crosswalk signs, complete with a bright green man who walks like he has mechanical legs whenever it is safe to cross. I believe he used to have a normal stride before his legs were mangled by a scooter following the “traffic code” rather than the red light. Those crossing the street without looking, even when the green man is hobbling, are on the bottom of the IQ scale. (Of course they are also probably the same ones who can tell you what your own deep fried spleen would taste like.) It is never safe to cross the street considering the fact that “right of way” translated into Chinese means something like “drive as fast as you can anywhere your vehicle will fit”.
When it comes to scooters or mopeds or motorcycles as they are called in Taiwan, there is no end to the different styles and colors. We have everything from trendy Vespas to forty year old bikes with engines; everything from tricked-out mega-scooters to pink Hello Kitty scooters. Scooters serve as minivans and pickup trucks. A family of four or five will all ride on one scooter. People use them to carry dogs, cats, rice cookers, ladders, bedding, trash, tools, boards, even John McCain’s house. (Which probably explains why he doesn’t know how many he has anymore.) Scooter drivers also seem to be the greatest pirates of all, deeming all rules as merely guidelines. They run red lights, turn left on red, drive on the sidewalk, pass on double lines, etc. Despite their strict piratical guidelines, scooters really are the ninjas of the Asian traffic world. Watch your back at all times. Lock your doors when you sleep. There is always a scooter lurking somewhere close, ready to attack.
Cars in Taiwan are like professional football players. They cost a lot of money, get pampered between games, and then get pounded, beaten and pushed to the limit at game time. Seventy-five percent of parked cars are being washed and waxed as I write. One hundred percent of those not parked are swerving, weaving, and honking their way through scoters like Adrian Peterson through Indy’s defense. Holding true to the NFL analogy, cars are loud and obnoxious, announcing their presence by constantly tooting their own horn. Not surprising, cab drivers are the worst, claiming the title of Terell Owens in the Official Automobile League. For those of you lost by my references to football, shame on you for your ignorance of America’s greatest sport! The point was simply that people take amazing care of their cars only to drive them like idiots as soon as they leave the driveway.
I’ll keep my bus comments to a minimum. They are everything you imagine a bus to be in a foreign country. They are big, bumpy and cramped. They drive like scooters, neglecting any idea that they might actually be ten times larger than a scooter. They are cheap and they do drive fast, but if you are looking for a pleasurable mass transit experience please keep reading.
Last and surely not least is the subway. Here it is known as the MRT which I believe stands for mass rapid transit, but could be something completely different, like Me Rao Tong. I haven’t the slightest inkling as to what Me Rao Tong means, if anything, but I do apologize if I just called your mother a goat. The MRT is like a normal subway in the States except here it is actually safe, clean and efficient. The stops are written and announced in English, making navigation a breeze. The cost is relatively low and the use of a reloadable fare card makes life a breeze. Travel to any part of Taipei is available through the MRT and many stations have underground restaurants and shopping. By far the best travel option in the city, I recommend riding your mother the goat whenever possible.
First, let me give the all inclusive list of travel options in Taiwan. Walking. That is pretty much it. We walk everywhere. The locals feel safe driving; I however, would rather rip out my spleen and deep fry it. (I’m not exactly sure what my spleen is, but deep fried I’m sure it would taste like half of the dining options here in Taiwan.) If you consider those who do drive, winning the top spot by a landslide is the scooter, followed by cars (half of them taxis) then buses and beyond that is mass public transit by subway and train.
Apparently those driving in Taiwan fancy themselves as pirates, or just love that speech by Captain Barbosa in Pirates of the Caribbean. Like the Pirate’s Code, the “Traffic Code” is more of what you call “guidelines” than actual rules. They do have crosswalk signs, complete with a bright green man who walks like he has mechanical legs whenever it is safe to cross. I believe he used to have a normal stride before his legs were mangled by a scooter following the “traffic code” rather than the red light. Those crossing the street without looking, even when the green man is hobbling, are on the bottom of the IQ scale. (Of course they are also probably the same ones who can tell you what your own deep fried spleen would taste like.) It is never safe to cross the street considering the fact that “right of way” translated into Chinese means something like “drive as fast as you can anywhere your vehicle will fit”.
When it comes to scooters or mopeds or motorcycles as they are called in Taiwan, there is no end to the different styles and colors. We have everything from trendy Vespas to forty year old bikes with engines; everything from tricked-out mega-scooters to pink Hello Kitty scooters. Scooters serve as minivans and pickup trucks. A family of four or five will all ride on one scooter. People use them to carry dogs, cats, rice cookers, ladders, bedding, trash, tools, boards, even John McCain’s house. (Which probably explains why he doesn’t know how many he has anymore.) Scooter drivers also seem to be the greatest pirates of all, deeming all rules as merely guidelines. They run red lights, turn left on red, drive on the sidewalk, pass on double lines, etc. Despite their strict piratical guidelines, scooters really are the ninjas of the Asian traffic world. Watch your back at all times. Lock your doors when you sleep. There is always a scooter lurking somewhere close, ready to attack.
Cars in Taiwan are like professional football players. They cost a lot of money, get pampered between games, and then get pounded, beaten and pushed to the limit at game time. Seventy-five percent of parked cars are being washed and waxed as I write. One hundred percent of those not parked are swerving, weaving, and honking their way through scoters like Adrian Peterson through Indy’s defense. Holding true to the NFL analogy, cars are loud and obnoxious, announcing their presence by constantly tooting their own horn. Not surprising, cab drivers are the worst, claiming the title of Terell Owens in the Official Automobile League. For those of you lost by my references to football, shame on you for your ignorance of America’s greatest sport! The point was simply that people take amazing care of their cars only to drive them like idiots as soon as they leave the driveway.
I’ll keep my bus comments to a minimum. They are everything you imagine a bus to be in a foreign country. They are big, bumpy and cramped. They drive like scooters, neglecting any idea that they might actually be ten times larger than a scooter. They are cheap and they do drive fast, but if you are looking for a pleasurable mass transit experience please keep reading.
Last and surely not least is the subway. Here it is known as the MRT which I believe stands for mass rapid transit, but could be something completely different, like Me Rao Tong. I haven’t the slightest inkling as to what Me Rao Tong means, if anything, but I do apologize if I just called your mother a goat. The MRT is like a normal subway in the States except here it is actually safe, clean and efficient. The stops are written and announced in English, making navigation a breeze. The cost is relatively low and the use of a reloadable fare card makes life a breeze. Travel to any part of Taipei is available through the MRT and many stations have underground restaurants and shopping. By far the best travel option in the city, I recommend riding your mother the goat whenever possible.
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