Travel

Not to keep picking on the little guy known as “Travel”, but the first thing I did after travelling to Taiwan was travel; so it is only fitting that I continue in that theme. From this point forward, please fasten your seatbelt.
First, let me give the all inclusive list of travel options in Taiwan. Walking. That is pretty much it. We walk everywhere. The locals feel safe driving; I however, would rather rip out my spleen and deep fry it. (I’m not exactly sure what my spleen is, but deep fried I’m sure it would taste like half of the dining options here in Taiwan.) If you consider those who do drive, winning the top spot by a landslide is the scooter, followed by cars (half of them taxis) then buses and beyond that is mass public transit by subway and train.
Apparently those driving in Taiwan fancy themselves as pirates, or just love that speech by Captain Barbosa in Pirates of the Caribbean. Like the Pirate’s Code, the “Traffic Code” is more of what you call “guidelines” than actual rules. They do have crosswalk signs, complete with a bright green man who walks like he has mechanical legs whenever it is safe to cross. I believe he used to have a normal stride before his legs were mangled by a scooter following the “traffic code” rather than the red light. Those crossing the street without looking, even when the green man is hobbling, are on the bottom of the IQ scale. (Of course they are also probably the same ones who can tell you what your own deep fried spleen would taste like.) It is never safe to cross the street considering the fact that “right of way” translated into Chinese means something like “drive as fast as you can anywhere your vehicle will fit”.
When it comes to scooters or mopeds or motorcycles as they are called in Taiwan, there is no end to the different styles and colors. We have everything from trendy Vespas to forty year old bikes with engines; everything from tricked-out mega-scooters to pink Hello Kitty scooters. Scooters serve as minivans and pickup trucks. A family of four or five will all ride on one scooter. People use them to carry dogs, cats, rice cookers, ladders, bedding, trash, tools, boards, even John McCain’s house. (Which probably explains why he doesn’t know how many he has anymore.) Scooter drivers also seem to be the greatest pirates of all, deeming all rules as merely guidelines. They run red lights, turn left on red, drive on the sidewalk, pass on double lines, etc. Despite their strict piratical guidelines, scooters really are the ninjas of the Asian traffic world. Watch your back at all times. Lock your doors when you sleep. There is always a scooter lurking somewhere close, ready to attack.
Cars in Taiwan are like professional football players. They cost a lot of money, get pampered between games, and then get pounded, beaten and pushed to the limit at game time. Seventy-five percent of parked cars are being washed and waxed as I write. One hundred percent of those not parked are swerving, weaving, and honking their way through scoters like Adrian Peterson through Indy’s defense. Holding true to the NFL analogy, cars are loud and obnoxious, announcing their presence by constantly tooting their own horn. Not surprising, cab drivers are the worst, claiming the title of Terell Owens in the Official Automobile League. For those of you lost by my references to football, shame on you for your ignorance of America’s greatest sport! The point was simply that people take amazing care of their cars only to drive them like idiots as soon as they leave the driveway.
I’ll keep my bus comments to a minimum. They are everything you imagine a bus to be in a foreign country. They are big, bumpy and cramped. They drive like scooters, neglecting any idea that they might actually be ten times larger than a scooter. They are cheap and they do drive fast, but if you are looking for a pleasurable mass transit experience please keep reading.
Last and surely not least is the subway. Here it is known as the MRT which I believe stands for mass rapid transit, but could be something completely different, like Me Rao Tong. I haven’t the slightest inkling as to what Me Rao Tong means, if anything, but I do apologize if I just called your mother a goat. The MRT is like a normal subway in the States except here it is actually safe, clean and efficient. The stops are written and announced in English, making navigation a breeze. The cost is relatively low and the use of a reloadable fare card makes life a breeze. Travel to any part of Taipei is available through the MRT and many stations have underground restaurants and shopping. By far the best travel option in the city, I recommend riding your mother the goat whenever possible.